Mining for Gold

In my last post, Golden Silence, I shared about feeling nearly submerged in water, and how my prayers seemed to be met with silence. I was reminded of times I had responded with silence as a parent, which led me to recognize that perhaps God was speaking, after all. And with that, I expressed a desire to go for the gold in God’s “silence” and glean all he wanted to share with me.

So, I’ve been on a mining expedition the last few weeks. Reflecting, learning, and listening for God’s guidance in my situation. Perhaps my expedition will be helpful for yours.

First, let me say that my overall circumstances have not changed much, but my outlook has.

Specifically, my struggle is the downturned economy and the sudden impact it has had on my construction business this past November until now.

The truth is I’m not as anxious as I have been, although to look around, the water is just as menacing and chilly. Solid footing seems very, very far off. But God’s presence is near and dear. I’ve moved from head knowledge to my heart, fully accepting in peace that God has a purpose and plan.

Recently, I heard a pastor say that when we experience difficulty, we can be in such a hurry for it to be over that we fail to learn the lessons of patience, perseverance and character God wants to teach us.

This resonated with my desire to go for the gold in God’s “silence”. So, with pen and journal in hand, I returned to the points enumerated in Golden Silence to begin looking for the lessons. I discovered that these points actually formed a scope and sequence lesson plan for my prayerful reflection.

I began from the top with Slippery Slope silence, those times when God appears silent because we need to come clean with something before God. After seeking a pure heart and God’s cleansing, we moved on to Think About it Silence. This study entailed considering what God had already told me through his Word, experiences and the wisdom of others.

Since my trial relates to money, business decisions and survival in this economy, I started with Bible verses and made a list of what I knew about God’s care. I was reminded of God’s promise to supply my needs (Phil. 4:19), to give wisdom (James 1:5), and that he’ll never fail me (Hebrews 13:5) to name just a few.

The Think About It study also led me to reflect on God’s use of common sense. Specifically, there had been so many times God had come through just in the nick of time, I was looking for him to do the same this time.

In short, I was waiting for a miracle, and my eyes were steadily on the horizon. But when I shifted my eyes back to our financials and project calendar, and asked God if I was missing something, common sense became strikingly clear. If cutting expenses, adjusting labor costs, and looking for new projects were not making the grade, common sense would suggest the need for another income source for survival. After all, isn’t the fact we have common sense God can use to guide us equally a miracle? (Forgive me, God for taking such a wonderful gift for granted….)

There have been other Think About It insights from this lesson, too, including things to do differently in the future. This is a study I will continue to put before the Lord to listen and learn.

The gold I’ve discovered so far directly led to the lesson for Missing the Message silence. This point involves not hearing God’s voice because we are focused on our own agenda.

In my case, as I’ve continued to put the business before the Lord, I’ve learned to release preconceived notions of how financial health will come. In fact, I’ve even asked God if it is his plan that we continue with the company, period! (Or at least in the way the company is configured right now.)

I’m open to whatever God says, but I don’t feel he’s leading us to close our doors just yet. To the contrary, I believe we will look back on this point in the future, and see how the lessons God is teaching us now were turning points for business and spiritual growth.

Which brings me to the last lesson, Go For It silence, where God’s apparent silence is actually saying, “Try it, I’m with you, you’ll be fine.” For me, that has meant being open-minded and creative.

I’ve brushed off my resume, revisited my skill set, gifts and interests, and have prayerfully put myself out there to see where God may lead in terms of additional income potential.

I’m also looking at the company with fresh eyes and creative vision, studying business strategies and finding support resources to look for ways God may be leading the company to Go for It, as well.

Do you hear a little excitement in my voice? It’s there!

As I said above, my circumstances have not changed much and, at face value, things are still scary. But I no longer feel God is silent. His golden direction is plentiful and the lessons rich. I’m a mining student, on a mission to learn, as I wait on the Lord.

Join in the dialogue of encouragement! Share a comment about what lessons you are learning or have learned about hearing God in difficult times?

Tammy

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us. . . (Ephesians 3:20)

Golden Silence

Recently I was at one of those low points. Lowest of the lows, actually…

I had been praying for wisdom and direction with a fervency that only comes in times of desperation. I honestly had no doubt that God would prevail, but from my vantage point, the waters were steadily rising. Drowning seemed imminent.

I remember one specific day when more bad news raised the water to my earlobes. In fear and in tears, I bellowed to God, “What I am supposed to do?!”

I would have scared anyone within 50 yards of me, I’m sure, but I was alone. And the reverberation of my outburst was a deafening quiet.

Then, in my mind’s ear, I heard a phrase from a joke my sons used to say when their question would fall on deaf ears. In a shrill and frantic voice they would demand,”ANSWER ME!!”

I actually laughed aloud at the recollection because it captured exactly what I was feeling. After weeks of praying, I still didn’t know what God wanted me to do and things were going from bad to worse.

Feeling like a frustrated child, I started thinking about God as my Father. I remembered the frustration my children expressed when I didn’t respond to them, and how usually there was a reason for my silence. While God is God, of course, and his ways very far above my own, I nevertheless saw parallels that made me wonder if God was indeed speaking to me through his “silence”.

1. Slippery Slope Silence
“You’re on a slippery slope,” was the warning I’d give my sons when they were headed down a verbal path that would not end well. And from time to time, they would actually hit bottom! On those occasions, love and care was still there, but the fellowship and friendship was momentarily disrupted. There could be no further discussion until the offense was addressed.

Similarly, I know there are attitudes, behaviors and choices that can disrupt my communication and communion with God. I wonder if in this silence God is saying, “I’d love to share, but there are some areas we need to address first. Remember, I’m faithful to forgive when you confess and apologize...”

2. Think About It Silence
There were times when I did not answer my sons directly because I had already told them what to do. (Often times more than once!) It would get to the point where instead of a direct answer I would simply say, “Think about it.”

I wonder if there are times when God’s silence is similar. Given that the Bible has all the life principles I need to know, as well as what he’s revealed through my experiences and the insights of others, I wonder if in this silence God is saying, “Think about it! You already know the answer to this one.” Perhaps instead of crying aloud, what I really need to be doing is giving more time to study and reflection, and applying what God has already showed to me.

3. Missing the Message Silence
“You’re not listening,” was my response on those occasions when my sons were so focused on their point that they missed what I was trying to say. I often had to back up and start from the beginning to align their focus and understanding with mine.

Likewise, I know there are times when God is saying one thing, but my ears are tuned to a different channel of expectation. Might God be saying, “Yoo Whoo, over here, Tammy… Focus now. I know you have an agenda in mind, but I have a better one. Listen…”

4. Go For It! Silence
Probably my favorite no answer from Mom scenario was when I wanted my sons to experience the joy and growth of discovery on their own. “Try it and see,” would be my non-committal nudging. But, I already knew the outcome would be a positive or stretching experience that would ultimately be good for their development or understanding.

In the same way, I know that God is in the faith-building business, and that he wants me to trust him completely. While I may feel paralyzed by the fear of not knowing details, I wonder if his quiet is also saying, “Trust me! Wait till you see what’s going to happen! You’ll be just fine; stronger and wiser, too!”

5. Mute Silence
There is one other setting when I would be silent that I’d be remiss not to mention. And that would be the times I did not answer my sons because I simply wasn’t paying attention. You know, every mother has that mute switch she can turn on for all but kid emergencies.

But the beauty of this parallel is that it doesn’t parallel at all and never will. Even though I may feel like God is not listening or answering, I also know that he knows every detail, every issue and every pain I am struggling with. While I may not be hearing him, he is no less present.

So I guess the bottom line is, even though I feel like I’m in a pit, filling with water that’s up to my neck. I must not be in any real danger. My Father is loving and watching out for me more closely than I ever could for my own sons. Which means in this time of golden silence, I must have some growing, reflecting, better listening, discovering, trusting; and yes, even confessing, to do.

Here’s to going for the gold!

Tammy

The Lord is righteous in all his ways and loving toward all he has made. The Lord is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth. He fulfills the desires of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The Lord watches over all who love him… (Psalms 145:17-20a)

Flight Fright

If my steering wheel was alive, I’m sure it would be gasping for air from my grip right now. The truth is, I’m gasping myself.

[10 Minutes Earlier]

I was driving to a church staff meeting, where as the Adult Christian Formation Director I attend whenever I can. It had been a stressful week and I was weighing whether to still go. So I called my dad, the pastor, to discuss what I would miss if I opted out.

“Well,” he began slowly, “It would be kind of hard if you weren’t here since you are leading the prayer service this Sunday…”

“What?” I sputtered. “I didn’t know I was leading it!” [*Gasp, gasp*] “I mean, I only thought you wanted me to write it… I never thought of leading…”

Whatever he said next I missed completely. I was having too difficult a time breathing (literally and spiritually).

A few deep breaths later, I tuned back in.

“We can work it out,” he said. “If you’re able to come, we can discuss it when you get here. If not…”

“I’m coming,” I mumbled.

Normally, that would have been it: A case of misunderstanding that would be resolved within the hour. But that wasn’t it.

Now I am gripping the steering wheel and wheezing a prayer. Lord, what does this mean? Didn't I just recently commit to soaring and taking more risks…

Thoughts of putting my money where my mouth is, the rubber meeting the road, practicing what you preach and a whole list of other cliché’s come to mind. Now don’t get me wrong. I have actually been stretching to greater heights and God has been there every time, but leading the congregation in a prayer service? Now that’s mega-scary!

Driving down the freeway I try to pray, but it’s hard – my knuckles are white now, and I feel like I’m beginning to hyperventilate (literally and …). It’s time to activate my S.O.S. breathing support system. I call my mother.

Talking to her helps me articulate the crux of the matter. What I'm feeling isn’t about a misunderstanding. It's about fear. It's about discerning whether God wants to use this experience to grow me. And if I don’t do it, am I being disobedient?

My mom has encouraging words about God taking me higher and this being an opportunity for me to see him work, but she also feels that if I’m not ready, God will send other opportunities. “This is a tough one," she says. "Only you can make the decision.”

Usually after talking with my mother I have a sense of where God is leading me, but not this time. I’m breathing better for sure, but I’m still quivering. I feel like I’m standing on the precipice of a cliff. In my mind I know I have everything I need to take flight, but I lack the confidence to go for it. And this pains me. Does it mean I don’t trust God enough?

During the staff meeting I’m able to forget my cliff decision as we go through normal business. My dad hasn’t mentioned me leading the service, so I conclude he has worked it out. And then, just as the meeting is winding down he says, “Tammy has something she needs to discuss about Sunday.” [*MAJOR GASP*]

Feeling like a five-year-old in a room of grown ups, I take a deep breath and begin. I quickly explain the situation, how the liturgy for the service is already written, and that I need someone to lead it.

My briefing takes all of five minutes, but it’s excruciating – I feel so naked.

And the whole time, I’m praying. God, am I giving away something that I should be doing myself? Am I disappointing you? Am I failing to avail myself to what you want to do in my life? I’m just so scared…

God is quiet.

After a brief discussion, one of the pastors says, “I’ll do it.” Then others chime in and by the time the meeting is over, it’s decided that various pastors will lead the sections.

As the meeting moves on to another topic without any fanfare around my ordeal, I look around the room. I rush of relief washes over me, and then the most incredible sense of love. I feel God’s tender and warm embrace through my brothers and sisters, whether they know it or not.

And I hear God say: It’s okay, Tammy, I love you. We’ll take that flight when you’re ready.

Tammy
Psalms 103:13-14